The Third Time Without My Dad

Two Performances, One Rain, and a Lot of Tears

Last night, I lay in bed trying to force myself to sleep after NEPA decided to take their light.

I was mentally preparing myself for the next day and everything that would come with it. It was Father's Day, and I was going to be performing an original song for the first time ever.

I also know that I'm overly sentimental, and I've cried every single Father's Day since my dad passed.

I never really mean to cry.

Sometimes it's the music.

Sometimes it's the way someone tells a story about their dad.

Sometimes it's seeing a father with his children and remembering that mine won't be there for the remaining milestones of my life.

I didn't know what it would be this year.

I just lay in my dark room with the rain pouring heavily outside and thought:

Why don't I do the same?

A song came to mind, and I started singing, barely making it past the second line.

Remember me, though I have to say goodbye.

Remember me, don't let it make you cry.

And just like that, I became one with the rain, weeping through my song.

Luckily, the rain made my tears seem smaller than they felt.

I eventually fell asleep.

I woke up to read for my exams, but my head wasn't in it, so I slept again. Then I woke up, got ready for church, and prepared to sing my butt off.

The song I wrote was intentionally made to be inclusive of people celebrating their fathers, while still making room for those of us who weren't.

And I'm so proud of how it went.

After my first performance, I went outside to serve at the Father's Day board where people were writing things they were grateful to their fathers for.

And then came another round of tears.

This time, there was no rain to hide them.

Someone had written:

“Thank you, Dad, for all that you were that still helps me with who I am today. Though you weren't able to be in my life through adulthood, I'm grateful you picked a really good mum for us.”

I genuinely thought I was doing a good job of not ruining my eye makeup.

Boy, was I wrong.

I tried to hide it, but it hit too close to home.

Anyway, I went back in for the second service and sang my heart out.

I think the emotions were even stronger the second time.

This is my third Father's Day without my dad, and I don't think it's gotten any easier.

I really miss my daddy.

And on days like this, I have to sit with that absence a little more sternly.

Anyway, I'm apparently a local celebrity now.

“OMG, Amora, that was such a beautiful song and performance!”

I've heard that about a hundred times today, and every single compliment makes me want to disappear. 😭

I also cried when my best friend told me how proud he is of me.

Mehn, I've been such a mess today.

But more than anything, I'm grateful.

Someone told me they got goosebumps and cried while listening to my song, and I'm just grateful to be an instrument of impact through my expression of music.

Maybe that’s the gift in all of this.

To take grief and turn it into something that makes other people feel seen.

Well, I think that's enough crying for one day.

I'm off to read for my exams.

And happy Father's Day to every man who has made a positive impact in the lives of the people around him.

I celebrate you. ✨